When Faith looks at Fred she can't help but see missed oppurtunities.

She knows it's not fair to Fred, she fucking knows it. Fred didn't even know her back in her less sane days and personally Faith thinks she prefers it that way. When Fred's eyes meet her she doesn't see the dower cast of judgement behind the warm hazel orbs, doesn't wonder when the knife will sink into her back. Those simple facts alone send confusing warm shivers down her spine, force her to continue building walls around herself. She's like a finely woven fortress safe from the pain of the outside world. The problem has always been the truth, and the truth is it doesn't matter if you build your walls from stone or bubble gum eventually somebody finds a way to bulldoze their way through them.

Fred is like a bulldozer whereas Buffy had been like a tiny dark spy, a siphon of regret and duty. Once upon a time Buffy had stolen her way in, sneaked in like a spy wielding a knife that should have been her's. Missed oppurtunity. Buffy wanted Faith but only the parts she could pick apart and dissect, Fred wants the entire package.

Fred knows what she wants and she wants the Rogue Slayer, has since the moment she first laid eyes on her. Faith can still feel the warmth of Fred's gaze on her back, can still feel the taste of her will caving in. Faith can throw a thousand defenses at Fred and she simply pushes her way through them, relenting only when Faith has finally given in and given up.

She alone. She's heard half a billion times and Faith might not be the pinnacle of all things good and just but every slayer knows that she's destined to walk through life alone. B broke all the rules with Angel and then again with Riley and Spike, but if there's one thing Faith's sure of it's that Buffy is the only one allowed to break the rules. When everyone loves you regardless of what you do there's a certain stigma of freedom that gets attached to your name.

Faith walked out of prison once but she's never been free.

She doesn't deserve something so completely good. When Fred grabs her hand she thinks about the invisible blood staining it, she thinks about the Deputy Mayor, the Volcanologist, or even worse Wesley. She thinks about all of the things she's done and marvels that Fred still wants her, pursues her with a relentlessness reserved only for sweet Southern Belles with a wild streak ten miles long as soon as the bedroom doors close the outside world off.

And it's so good Faith can hardly deal with it. Not just the sex but Fred. Just when Faith thinks she understands something about the willowy Texan she learns ten thousand things more and she's enraptured.

"You look lonely." Fred says to the dark silhouette colored against the night sky, the burn of a cigarette ember leading her to Faith.

"Thought you were sleepin'." Faith shrugs, still watching the dark landscaping but ever conscious of the brown eyes that follow her.

"I was sleeping until I reached over for you and you weren't there."

There's no hint of guilt in Fred's voice, no whisper of regret, only concern and Faith finds herself grateful for it even if she knows this like all things are fleeting.

"Sorry. Needed a smoke."

"It's okay." Fred murmurs, coming up behind the smaller girl and wrapping her arms around Faith's waist. "It was getting cold in bed without you."

"Cold?" Faith grins and spins around, casting her half-smoked cigarette aside. "We're in Southern California. You don't even know what cold is."

But I could show you.

She instantly regrets the thought. Sharp. Blunt. Hot. Cold. Loud. It comes back to haunt her each and every night and no matter how far she runs or how hard she tries to hide in her warm little nest with Fred it always comes back.

"Let's go back to bed." Faith finally relents, slipping her hand into Fred's and heading back inside their warm house.

Faith wants to save all these moments, capture them in a photograph and hide them away in the corners of her mind where no one (not even Buffy) can find them. She's tired of missed oppurtunities and she knows that one of these days she's going to find a way to screw it all up and Fred will leave.

It's only a matter of time.

I'm the bravest girl you will ever come to meet and yet I shrink down to nothing at the thought of someone really seeing me...

Life always comes down to those little moments. It's not the big moments, the defining moments that make you who you are but those little ones, the seconds you just stop and look around at everything. It was five years since my mom died and you'd think I wouldn't really care anymore. Let's be honest, but my mother was never gonna win Mother of the Year. She pretty much just left me on my own for most of my life and then she totally ditched me to go work the corner for some scumbag she decided was her new boyfriend. I hated my mom when she died, cause she just fuckin' left me and ended up in the wrong person's car one night. I didn't even go to her funeral, I hated her that much.

So why did I care so much when the same day hit five years later? Dunno. Guess I'm just wicked moody or whatever but I wasn't feeling my usual self that day. It was a few months ago, before the whole Angelus drama took over my whole damn life and I was practically living at Fred and Spike's place. Dunno why I didn't go home, cause I knew for sure that Angel would have just left me alone. Maybe it's cause he's got that whole vampire thing going on so if I cried? He would have heard it whether he said anything or not.

I went out that night to get a few good kills in, figuring that would take my mind off the whole damn thing. Got in a more than a few slays, vamps were out like crazy that night but I couldn't shake it. It was like this sick feelin' crawling up from my stomach and into my throat, I could taste it. So I went to Fred's and I thought about just throwing her down on the bed and trying to get rid of the feeling the good old fashioned way but I didn't think that was gonna work either.

Instead I slunk off to the shower while Fred was doing something in the living room. Hoped she would just think I was takin' a post slayage shower, not something that was totally out of the norm. I guess she knows me too damn well, either that or it was a random coincidence that she came into the bathroom to say hi and I was hunched over in the shower crying my eyes out. I felt wicked dumb and tried to get rid of her but she made it clear she wasn't going anywhere. That's my favorite thing about Fred, she doesn't listen when I try and tell her what to do.

[locked to everyone but Angel]

Maybe I should have quoted Dorothy when me and Soul Boy landed ourselves in hell. Might have changed a thing or two. Although if one of us is wearing blue checkered dress it's him. Then again, that would make me Toto so I take it back. I'll take the dress.

What can I say about hell? Other than it was hellish.... which is actually kind of an understatement when you think about all the shit that went down there. At first I really thought we were just gonna get squished for an eternity. That's what it felt like when it was happening. I could hear Angel's arms breaking around me first, all of the bones snapping and popping and having him get squished first almost made it worse cause all I could do was anticipate it. Luckily that didn't last forever, instead after that I was stuck playing tag with a hungry vampire. First me and then Angel over and over again. It's a good thing I finally started to remember shit and managed to talk Angel down before he decided to snack on me.

Somehow we managed to get separated. I'm still not totally sure what happened to Angel while I was gone but when I found him again (after having to watch Buffy and Fred make out) he wouldn't let me go and he was crying and babbling about losing "him". Whoever he is. Although my gut tells me it was Connor. After all, it was hell right? If I got tortured by my old watcher while B and Fred hooked up Angel must have been watching Connor slip away again.

We were little kids again for awhile too. Only this time we weren't actual little kids. We were still us just trapped in little kids bodies with Connor and Buffy as our parents. It was pretty hard on the Big Guy what with his kid gettin busy with B in the very next room. We tried our best to escape but they wouldn't let us. It wasn't until the monster downstairs clued us in that we realized we were gonna have to kill Connor and Buffy to move on. They don't call it hell for nothing.

Prince Angel might have been the only laugh worthy thing that happened during the trip. That was a secret I swore I would take to the grave and I guess I'll have to keep it even though it was wicked funny when he was climbing up my hair yelling about saving the princess. Good thing I managed to convince him that he wasn't a prince quick like. Cause if I'd had to put up with more Prince Angel? I might have stabbed him with his own damn sword.

Oh yeah, I did that anyways.

I'm not even going down the next road. You know that road. The one where I'm dressed in pearls and baking brownies for Angel and Connor? That's a memory I'm working real hard to repress.

It's a good thing Darla, B and Connor showed up to bail us out. Cause we definitely weren't in Kansas anymore.

B was always bitching about how lonely it is to be the chosen one. I guess I can at least try and see it from her point of view. She had the mom, the sis, all the friends and then one day she woke up a freak. With me? Well, I had the opposite reaction. I was always the loser at school, the neighborhood kids used to punch me for good luck. Plus Mom was always running out of cash so we were always moving around from one place to the other cause she wouldn't pay the rent and then we'd get evicted. Even the principal of my school tried to tell me it was my fault that everyone was always giving me a wicked hard time. Cause I "asked for it". I know, what a dick.

Getting picked to be the Slayer was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't have to take anybody's shit all the time anymore. Yeah, I was still kinda lonely but I had my watcher and a city full of vamps just dying to meet the pointy end of my stake. For the first time I wasn't just some aimless loser destined for alcoholism and prison. In fact, it turned out there was someone in California just like me so I'd never have to be alone again.

Are you laughing? Cause I know I am.

Was pretty lonely after I woke up from that coma. Course, I was planning to comfort myself in B's body somewhere in Mexico drinking margaritas and sleeping with cabana boys but that didn't really work out after all. It figured after all of my "evil" plotting I just couldn't turn my back on some vamps fixing to snack on a bunch of locals at a church. I was stuck back in my old body but this time I didn't even have the Mayor to go running to. Mom was dead, Watcher was dead, Mayor was dead, B and her friends and the Watcher's Council were all just itching to ice me. Loneliness like that'll start to eat away at you. Probably why I tried to get Soul Boy to do the deed.

Prison was probably lonely for the most part but I was never alone in there. There was always someone in my head talking at me. And not in the rubber room straight jacket kinda way. Nah. That was more just letting my thoughts take over for a little while. It seemed important at the time.

After that? Well, I had Angel and a bunch of friends and so I stopped being lonely. At least, until those days before hell and even then Connor had been there with me up until the end. It's different now though. It's funny. Buffy always thought life as the chosen one was more lonely. But being unchosen? That's the loneliest feeling I've ever known.

Faith can't always be sure what she looks at when she's looking at Angel. Somewhere in her heart she knows that he's really good, probably the best thing she's ever known. The only one who never gave up on her when the rest of the world was completely willing to write her off. Through the endless visits to her in prison and even keeping track of her afterwards Faith has never doubted that Angel cares.

As true as that might be there's a wealth of pain between the two of them and she knows it's just as palpable to him as it is to her. Three AM, she walks out of her room in the dark to head towards the bathroom only to catch a glimpse of her friend in the kitchen, nursing a glass of blood. The sound of her door closing catches his attention and yellow eyes bore straight through her. She feels like a deer in headlights, frozen in place with memories of Angelus swirling around her. Angel seems to sense it, because just as quickly his face morphs back into that of his human guise. Faith continues to the bathroom and neither of them ever speak of it again.

They sit in separate offices, these days they even socialize in separate circles. Day after day they go through the motions of living together, both desperate to bridge a gap but neither has the resources. Some evenings Faith comes home first and pours herself a glass of whiskey. She sets a different glass beside hers on the bar top, waiting for Angel to come home.

By the time he does come home she's already drank both of them and has long passed out on her bed, snoring softly. Angel pauses in the hallway and listens to her breathe for a moment before shuffling past and into his own bedroom.

One day, maybe they'll bridge that gap. But today is not that day.

So here's the deal, pay attention cause I ain't explaining it twice. Feel me? After Sunnydale went kaboom I decided that Europe was fuckin' boring so I ended up chillin' in LA with my good pal Angel. We ended up being roommates which was cool cause I think we made for pretty decent roomies. I knew I drove him totally crazy but somebody's gotta burst that boy out of brooding mode. I wasn't the only one with that bright idea either. Before long Buffy and Dawn had moved to LA too, and so had Willow and Kennedy. We were like a big dysfunctional family.

Then shit went really bad. You might wanna sit down for this one, cause it's kind of a long story.

Angel had the bright idea to make me Vice President to Wolfram and Hart. I'm never really a hundred percent sure why he wanted me for the job. Especially since the idea of it seemed to send Wes into bitch fit mode. I guess something about how he expected me to keep him walking some fine line between goody good Angel and badass dark Angel. I never actually saw badass dark Angel myself, but I remember how he just randomly stopped visiting me in jail cause he was so hung up on that bitch Darla. Apparently she brings out the warm fuzzies in everyone.

I'm getting way off topic here. The point is, Angel wanted me to do the job and since back then I was pretty much Angel's bitch who would do whatever he told me to do, I accepted the position and it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.

One day I got a package on my desk, no return address or nothing. This sound crazy but when I opened it? Angelus popped out. Yeah, for real, Angelus. Apparently he somehow crossed out of his time. Don't ask me, I'm not the magic expert but I'm sure the Senior Partners could explain that one. And of course, Angelus had gotten ripped out of his time right before he was about to snack on me a few years ago. The bitch about it was that we were tied together mystically or something. Hard to explain but anywhere I went the jackass had to follow me. If I went too far away from him he'd poof and all of a sudden out of thin air he was next to me again.

I was worried he would hurt Fred or someone else. Oh yeah, if I hadn't mentioned this already? I started dating Fred a little bit before this. Blah blah blah, yeah I said dating and not fucking (although there was plenty of that too). What can I say? That girl does crazy things to my head. And I was worried that the asshole of my life would try and take her from me because well, that's what he does to his bestest friends. He takes from them. So I ran off for a little while until Angel and Fred could figure out how to separate the two of us. I didn't wanna risk Fred any more than I already had.

Let's just say me and Angelus? Worst. Roommates. Ever. I was way better at sharing space with Angel. Mostly because he didn't try to snack on me while I was sleeping. I really appreciate that in my vampires. Luckily for me, eventually Fred and Angel figured it out and rescued my ass. I was glad to finally be free of that asshole. But the thing was? I was never really free from him at all.

Life went on from there, me and Fred got wicked close. Angel and I got turned into kids for a few weeks which was pretty damn funny especially since Willow and Kennedy kind of adopted us before B and Fred could turn us back to normal again. Fred and I were practically living together after that, with Spike as our roommate. Spike was known to occasionally come and play with us from time to time but mostly it was just me and Fred.

And then Angelus had to keep popping back up into my life. I even tried to go on vacation and work out a little bit of my aggression in some cage matches only for him to turn out to be my last opponent. I just couldn't get rid of him, and I couldn't stake him in the heart, so eventually he figured out how to stake me in mine. He went after Fred, he tortured her and turned her into something like him. And I, I just couldn't kill her.

I killed Angel though. I knew I probably shouldn't have but I knew he would be easier to stake because he wouldn't be expecting it and it had already been confirmed that whatever happened to Angelus happened to Angel and vice versa. Just like that, I kissed them both goodbye.

Needless to say, Connor didn't like that so much. He chased me down to a church and he killed me the same way I killed his dad. By the end of the night I'd bled to death on the floor of that church with a stake sticking out of my chest.

Now I guess this should be where the story ends, right? Angelus, Angel, me....all dead. Fred the vampire. Darla, Connor, Buffy and the rest of the gang trying to pick the pieces back up and move on? Well, that wasn't exactly how it went at all. Instead I found myself right where you'd expect me to be, in hell...with Angel. I thought we would be stuck there forever until Buffy, Darla and Connor figured out a way to break into that dimension and drag us out.

I lost my slayer powers in hell and now I'm not sure I'm ever gonna get them back. Adjusting to life back in the real world hasn't exactly been easy but I been doing the best I can. As far as me and Angel go? We went through a lot in hell together but I think it helped us kinda repair our friendship a little bit. Don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of crap there between us but I think maybe one day we'll be able to move past Angelus. But when it comes to vampire Fred? Well, she's got a soul now but things are never gonna be like they were before.

We can never go back, and sometimes I think we're never gonna be able to move forward either. But hey, what other choice do we have? We gotta keep going. That's just how life works even after death.

Faith Suxalot?

Who was the braintrust that came up with that one, CONNOR?! Angel, can you please put a leash on your kid? Thanks.

#2 was proven wrong by twelve shots of tequila, just sayin'. Faithocracy, maybe that's what we should start calling Wolfram and Hart? Not sure what to think about #6. No comment about #9 and #10 is definitely true.

That being said? CONNOR! Stop fucking calling me you little twerp! You think I don't know it's you? I have caller ID. Angel, will you buy the kid an attention span or something?

It's kind of nice having the penthouse all to myself. Well, myself and Mandy. It's quiet which is cool for a little while and then I start to realize I've reduced myself to taunting an eight year old with ADD. B, we gotta find a way to turn Fred and Connor back into normal sized people again. Pronto.

Comment here and I'll reply with 1 to 5 songs that remind me of you/make me think of you/i think you have to hear like now kthnx/describe you perfectly. If possible I'll upload them for you and/or provide you with lyrics.

I went out last night to pick up a pack of smokes and I ended up running into Kennedy. She was so tanked I could smell liquor on her from a block away, and considering I haven't had a drink in days it nearly knocked me on my ass. And then Kennedy knocked me on my ass. I think at first she thought I was Hope cause she wasn't making any sense and I got the feeling that she thought I wanted her to rough me up. I don't know, she was drunk and crazy and I thought she was gonna kill me, so I shot her. I didn't really think about it, I just wanted to get away and she wouldn't let me.

I don't know what happened. I didn't want to shoot her but I warned you, I fucking warned all of you that I'm not just gonna lay down and be pushed around. I warned her too, but she wanted me to. She kept begging me to shoot her and I didn't want to, but I had to. And when I pulled the trigger and she started bleeding all over the place I thought about killing Angel and how simple and clean that was. Just poof and then a pile of dust. Emotionally I guess it pretty much wrecked everyone but he didn't really bleed before dust. Kennedy was bleeding alot. I called an ambulance and then I left because I thought I'd just end up back in jail again, and I'm not going back to prison.

I came home and I tried to scrub all of the blood off, but it won't all come off. I can't get it off.

I wanna go away, but I don't wanna bail on Fred so I'm not going anywhere. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, it was alot easier when I was just drunk all the time and that way I didn't have to really think about anything or deal with it. I don't wanna deal with it. I don't wanna think about it.

Somebody should probably call the hospital and check in on her. I guess that's your job, Hope.

The elevators at Wolfram and Hart fucking suck. Me and Fred actually got stuck in one for hours. This is a multi-million dollar evil law firm and they can't even get the fucking elevators to work? Almost makes me glad I'm not in charge of this trainwreck anymore.

Not that it was all bad obviously. Me and Fred worked some stuff out and...I think we're back together. Are we back together?

//locked to Angel//

I don't wanna talk to you really but I wanna say sorry for selling you out the other day. It's just been fucked since we been back. Guess what I'm trying to say is I think you had it right the whole time. We should just stay away from eachother for a little while. But yeah, sorry.

Coming at you live from my bedroom where I've kept myself for the last couple of days since the hostile takeover of my apartment. I haven't really figured out why Fred and Connor let me stay but I figure I'm only helping my chances of staying by keeping myself locked in my room. Yeah, for those of you not paying attention? Connor and Fred run Wolfram and Hart now, which means yours truly is out of a job. And apparently Angel is out of an apartment since they showed up to kick him out and he and Darla just wimpered off. Lame.

I went out earlier in the night to walk Mandy and got snagged by Angel. I guess I've been a naughty girl so Daddy needed to put me on time out. Fuck if I know. Either way he wouldn't let me go until I actually talked to him about stuff. Dunno what kind of stuff we should have to talk about but he must've cleared some time in his busy schedule just to harass his favorite ex-slayer.

Apparently, I'm not the only naughty one either because Fred and Connor? He's heading for you two next. Although, I wouldn't worry too much cause his brilliant plan is to talk you to death. It's not exactly scary but it is wicked boring so you might wanna head for the hills anyway.

The next person who offers to help me only to do jack shit until it's conveniant for them and on their terms? Can blow me. Those aren't the kind of friends I need and I guess that means I don't need any friends at all. I'm gonna teach Mandy how to attack vampires wearing long black coats.

After I finally got away from Soul Boy I took a walk through the cemetary on my way home, and I saw my own grave. I didn't even think I would have one but I guess my sister set it up. That's so fucked up. I saw my own grave. Like in the really dead, final way. We're all gonna die soon really, we'll tear eachother to pieces. I can't wait to see who's next.

Okay, back to drinking.

//locked to the other bitch aka Angel//

Hey Angel, guess what?

We're fucked.

I got some things I'd like to get off my chest here.

1. fuck you

2. fuck you

3. fuck you

4. you're cool

5. I'm out

Did you get that? Did you write it the fuck down? Maybe you can get your secretary on that shit, yeah? Stenograph it right the fuck up on the wall or on your fucking forehead, so that way? You'll never forget it. Are you paying attention?

I borrowed this record from Wes. Oh by the way, thanks Wes. I borrwed a bunch of stuff from your house while you're away visiting the motherfucking queen. Give her a kiss for me. Darla won't shut the fuck up and she keeps trying to turn it off but she can kiss my ass. You hear that you bitch? I hear you talking smack over there. I will fuck you up. Because you know, I can still do that. I can still do stuff. Fuck you if you don't think I can. I'll fuck you up.

So my girlfriend is fucking Spike. I mean, she's been doing that for awhile. She likes handcuffs, you know that? You wouldn't think an innocent little wimpy fucking Fred would go in for that shit, would you? It takes all types, my friends. You better watch your back cause you never know when the quiet one's gonna stab you and throw you off a roof. You know?

I met this girl tonight. That's right, I don't need Fred to get laid, I still get pussy the old fashioned way. By being one hot little number. She was cute, had tits you could write home about but I didn't grab her number. Bitches = more problems. Fuck that shit.

I'm bored. I was thinking about bugging B but then realized I'd be stealing Spike's full time job. Even though he stole my girlfriend. It's a fair fuckin trade, right Bleach Boy? You pansy assed fucking bitch. What's the matter Spike? Fred not spank as hard as B?

Y'know getting drunk is way easier now that I'm not all slayered fucking up anymore. I used to have friends but then they went and fucked my sister while I was in hell. Now I have whiskey, and I'll always have hell. Good times- spanking and tights and princesses and motherfucking dragons in a motherfucking castle.

Also, maybe if Red weren't such a bad lezbo she wouldn't have Kennedy running off to fuck my mirror image. Although, really I could've told you that Willow was probably a bad lay.

Hey Angel, that's why you run out of town so fast? Don't wanna pal around, talk about the good old days in hell? I already know your kid took off so he wouldn't have to look me in the eye since he killed me and all. But I guess that's okay since I killed you first. I hope your having a fucking blast in Ireland. Be sure to stop in England and blow Wes the Queen for me.

Just out of professional curiousity. Out of Lindsey and Wes, which one do you think is the bitch? Although I could've told you Watcher Boy swung that way with his little shotgun fetish, yeah I see the way you look at 'em Prissy Boy.

Piss off.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

1. Yourself:
girl

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse):
non-existant

3. Your hair:
messy

4. Your mother:
dead

5. Your Father:
MIA

6. Your Favorite Item:
stake?

7. Your dream last night:
boring

8. Your Favorite drink:
whiskey

9. Your Dream Car:
shiny

10. The room you are in:
office

11. Your Ex:
vampire

12. Your fear:
none

13. What you want to be in 10 years?
32

14. Who you hung out with last night?
mandy

15. What You're Not?
dead

16. Muffins:
cranberry

17. One of Your Wish List Items:
nothing

18. Time:
afternoon

19. The Last Thing You Did:
work

20. What You Are Wearing:
black

21. Your Favorite Weather:
hot

22. Your Favorite Book:
none

23. The Last Thing You Ate:
taco

24. Your Life:
complicated

25. Your Mood:
cranky

26. Your best friend:
vampire

27. What are you thinking about right now?
work

28. Your car:
nada

29. What are you doing at the moment?
this

30. Your summer:
hell

31. Your relationship status:
free

32. What is on your TV?
nothing

33. What is the weather like?
nice

34. When is the last time you laughed?
dunno

The next person/vampire who puts a hand on me is gonna get it mailed back to them. Just sayin.

I'm back from the dead.

Yay?

//locked//

I can't believe I'm stopping to update my livejournal at a time like this. God, what am I even doing? I wish someone could give me the answer to that but the truth is that the people who used to give me the answers are all dead and I'm the only one left.

When I was a kid my friend Sammy used to have a pool. One of those fancy inground ones with a diving board, and she used to flip out cause I'd just run out the backdoor and dive in headfirst. She always thought I was gonna hit my head or something and maybe I did and just can't remember but life is like a diving board. You don't think, you just run and hit the cement headfirst and hope it doesn't kill you. And if it does kill you then at least you're finally done.

I don't wanna be here anymore. I know I'm living on borrowed time the minute B figures out that I killed Angel. Wonder if she could still dig out that shiny knife that she'd stabbed me with the first time. This time she better aim for the heart cause I'm not waking up in eight months.

I went home and tried to sleep but I couldn't cause I kept thinking about Angel being there. I went to Spike's and tried to sleep but I couldn't cause I kept thinking about Fred being there. Finally I just went over to Kennedy's and crashed for a little while but I kept getting woken up by the same thing.

I'd do it again. I'd do it again and again and again. I'd kill him for her and it makes it so fucking hard to be sorry. I wanna be sorry, I don't want him to be dead. He was my best friend, but I'd do it again.

It's weird to think about it. If it weren't for Angel I'd probably be dead. If it weren't for Angel Fred wouldn't be dead. If it weren't for Angel she'd still be stuck in Pylea eating bark tacos. So is it all just fucking fate? Was it me? Did I just step into the picture and fuck it all up? Tried too hard to be something I'm not, tried too long to have the things that I see other people have around me. But I'm not them, I'm never gonna be.

I can't even look at Spike, despite our screaming match and the understanding that we are all the other one has left. Everytime I see him I just see it reflected on his face and I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.

And it doesn't matter what I do, or how much fucking guilt I feel she's never coming back. Neither one of them are. I never stop paying, and it's still never enough.

So now what do I do? I walk around Wolfram and Hart and act like the boss. Pretend like there's still something left in here, going through the motions. There's nothing here anymore.

And so I just wait.

//unlocked//

I'm just clearing up some confusion. The rumors are true. Fred's a vampire now, and I staked Angel. Problem solved.

Employees at Wolfram and Hart? You answer to me now.

That's it.

Bye.

I'm kind of freaking out here. Yesterday me and Connor went looking for Fred and we didn't find jack. She wasn't at home or the library or that diner she likes. Nobody's seen her anywhere. It felt like we'd done a sweep of the whole damn city and even Connor's creepy stalking abilities didn't help us find her.

Connor had to bail to go do something and then I spent the rest of the night looking for her with Spike. The two of us went over everything me and Connor already had and then we checked out all the places me and Connor missed.

I can't find her anywhere.

Shit. It's just not like her to take off like this. Something happened to her, she wouldn't just leave. I think. I mean, even if she was planning on leaving me she wouldn't just up and bail on work without dropping a note with Soul Boy or something. Not that I've even seen him around in the last couple of days. So for all I know she might have let him know she was going out of town or something.

No. She wouldn't do that. Right? God, I'm freaking out. Tried wicked hard yesterday not to panic and maybe I should have panicked. Maybe I waited too long.

Me and Spike came back to his place and crashed about an hour before sunrise but I can't sleep. Was gonna bail out on work today and keep looking for her but maybe I should go and see if I can't get any help there.

Willow, can you do that locater spell for me?

Angel, where the fuck are you?

Has anybody seen Fred? She didn't come home last night and didn't show up to work today. It's not like her...

What the fuck? Nobody ever updates their journals anymore. What is a girl supposed to do on a boring Sunday afternoon? Angel's too busy sleeping to entertain me and Fred's off doing something.

You guys suck.

Dunno what the rest of everybody's up to on a Sunday afternoon but I gotta tell you ain't jack going on at home. Told Angel it was his job to entertain me today and if he didn't then I will be forced to resort to drastic measures. So y'know what he did? He threw the fucking remote at me and told me to entertain myself. Damn. I guess that's what happens when you're a vampire who never has sex. You get FUCKING CRANKY.

Anyways, I let him run off to watch hockey or brood or organize his sock drawer or whatever it is that he does. And I'm watching Dawson's Creek marathon on TNT. I'm just that bored. First off, I grew up in Boston. No way are you gonna convince me that eastern Massachusetts looks a thing like that. Second off Michelle Williams looks like she fell off the ugly tree and every single branch hit her in the face on the way down. How the hell did she ever get a job? Shit. She's a wicked bad actress too. Now Katie Holmes? That's the kinda girl I could get behind. Except Fred would kill me.

I wanted to watch the Playboy Channel but Angel got it shut off. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

Clearly extreme measures need to be taken. I've already reposted the 'Angel Sits on Lindsey's Lap and Has an Ice Cream' picture on the fridge but I'm starting to think he's immune to it. If anyone has any suggestions I'm willing to hear you out. As long as it will annoy Angel.

Guess what?

I'm the boss for the next few days!!!!!

Now, while Angel's on vacation I expect you guys to offer me the same amount of respect you usually show him. Wait. Scratch that. Especially if you're Spike. Just remember. I'm in charge and I can fire your asses if you piss me off. This is so fucking great.

And because I'm wicked helpful here's a list to help you all through the next few days.

Things to remember:
I like my mocha from Starbucks with whipped cream
The new company wide policy of 'No Pants' Fridays
There will be no referring to me as Princess Faith unless you're Fred
I'm not to be disturbed on my lunch hour
Unless you are Fred


That's all I can come up with for now. If I think of anything else, I'll send a memo out.

On a totally seperate note? I'd like to remind a certain vampire that though he might be absent from work? Everytime a certain incriminating pictures pops up on our fridge at home and you tear it down and throw it away? Another one shows up. You don't even wanna know many copies I made, you might as well stop trying, Angel. Besides, I think it's cute. You and Lindsey, getting all snuggly. Makes a girl's heart all warm and fuzzy inside.

Right. So after I got over the fact that I really wanted to crawl under a rock and die for acting like such a spaz for the last month or so I got over it right quick. Pretty much since there's no better welcome home present than your hot naked girlfriend in the tub waiting for you. Just sayin.

And you know? Despite the fact that I been getting through it by saying 'at least I'm not Angel' the truth is? I kinda had a lot of fun as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be back in action as my hot badass self, but I never got to be a kid like that before. I'm not gonna go into what life back home with Mom used to be like but let's just say she can't even hold a candle to Red or Kennedy. Yeah, I know I'm never gonna live down all the pouting and crying and demanding of ice cream and calling myself Princess Faith but truth be told? I had alot of fun.

I kinda wish that Kennedy and Willow were my real parents.

Fun or not? I'm wanting to put the hurt on the demons that turned me into a whiny little brat for the last month. I know that I shouldn't cause then they'd probably turn me into something worse. Like Angel. Still though, I don't like magick. Maybe that's just cause I don't understand it, but mostly I'm thinking it causes nothing but trouble for real.

At least I wasn't sitting on Lindsey's lap when the spell got reversed.

Missed my dog, and Fred and Spike and Hope and yeah even the job that everybody (including me sometimes) thinks I'm not cut out for. Man, I need to kill something wicked bad. Gonna be a long patrol tonight.